Did you notice?

Hugs n’ blessings has been quiet for a little while.

On or about the start of Advent I knew I needed to pull away and enter into the silence of my heart.

Like a seed seeking to grow I needed time to plant myself in quiet soil to discover if God was calling me to bloom anew.

Has this ever happened to you?

I decided to detach from the noisy World in most social-media ways, immersed myself in prayer & contemplation, dove into journaling full-force, ate more carbs than I care to admit and allowed myself to be nurtured by

all that God was looking to till within me.

A seed contains all the life and loveliness of the flower, but it contains it in a little hard black pip of a thing which even the glorious sun will not enliven unless it is buried under the earth. There must be a period of gestation before anything can flower.

Caryll Houselander

Gratefully, I have been in similar gestation periods before.

For this reason I was not surprised & humbly recognized when I fondly heard Him whispering to my heart…

“Rest in Me. Rest in Me.”

So once again….I did.

I am very beholden that this all occurred right as the earthly World was beginning to spin out of control in a variant of ways. How hard it may have been not to spin right along with it, in my former state of mind, had I not had Him right there beside me to right my way – whenever I began to tilt off course.

Albeit not perfectly,

or without suffering,

and certainly not without a few lessons along the way!

Giggles.

However, I have enjoyed the silence & respite I’ve experienced –

even though I’ve missed staying in touch with my bloggity-blog friends.

(Though I do look forward to catching up with you all, very soon!)

But I have not missed the constant chaos of menacing thoughts; which were choking out the growth trying to push through.

“Don’t ever try to compare your insides with someone else’s outsides.”

Mark Twain, Anne Lamont, Robe Lowe or Jenny Lawson
(Google offers credit to them all – but I heard it from Jenny, giggles.)

Every gardener knows it is never easy to till a garden containing weeds.

So it reasoned why IMMEDIATELY,

after having spoken my

“Yes, here I am Lord,”

that God called to attention the most destructive weed (in me) of all;

which had been trying desperately to take permanent root,

before He set the tilling to work!

Sorrow.

Not the kind-of sorrow from a singular moment or a particular disappointment, but the kind which comes from a long line of lies, computed un-truths & utter heartbreak.

If only those who suffer would be patient with their earthly humiliations and realize that sorrow is not only the time of growth but also of darkness and hiding and waiting, they would trust, and trust rightly, that Christ is growing in their sorrow, and in due season all the fret and strain and tension of it will give place to a splendor of peace.

This was a sorrow with deep roots, strengthening throughout every previous heartbreak that I never allowed to see the light of day. A hideous weed that propagated there, beneath the surface, twisting itself amidst all the spiritual growth I’ve received over the course of my walk with Him….waiting….waiting…to strangle out the person He desires me to become – the one I seek most to be.

Certainly, the Lord knew (all of this).

Which is why he had been preparing me – for a very long time – with the necessary tools I would need to uproot it.

During this quiet time He reviewed many of the ways

He has been refining me along the way.

Remember the lessons I’ve been teaching you, my beloved. Most especially regarding indifference. Remember, St. Ignatius, who said: “We must make ourselves indifferent to all creation, to the extent that we do not desire health more than sickness, riches more than poverty, honor more than dishonor, a long life more than a short life, or anything at all in and of itself. We should desire and choose only what helps us attain the end for which we were created.” Remain indifferent, my dear one, even to your expectations. I am with you child, and I gladly adjust your attitude. Be indifferent to circumstances, but attend to your friendship with Me.

My personal journal entry, April 2019

I am so relieved that He took

this time

and loved me

this much

to be there, at my side,

when I finally acquired the courage (and asked Him)

to pull out the angry sorrow’s invasive roots from within me.

As only He could.

Truthfully, this was an AWFUL experience.

Finally addressing “the root” of the sorrow was painfully AWFUL.

(Did I mention how awful it was??)

But just as immediately as I took into my heart –

“Jesus, I surrender all things to you.

You take care of it.”

-I felt the soil begin to be fertilized.

And the absolute beauty of what has followed has made all of the

awfulness worth-while.

He walked me through almost a decade of growth – and how all of that was necessary to bring me to this particular time with Him.

He revealed how every previous moment prepared me – for the reality of what lie await in 2020.

The ultimate goal of every life is new life in heaven.

Pat Gohn

Do I think He’s finished with me?

Gosh, I hope not!

Because I still yearn to be more fully like Him & admittedly I still fall short.

BUT…

I know that so many of the lessons I’ve learned across the span of my life are indeed fitting together.

They always have been…

I’ve merely missed the opportunity to see the enormity of it all

amidst the muddy sorrow.

But seeing so now brings me immense JOY!

Everyone should open their heart very wide to joy, should welcome it and let it be buried very deeply in them; and they should wait the flowering with patience. Of course the first ecstasy will pass, but because in real joy Christ grows in us, the time will come when joy will put forth shoots and the richness and sweetness of the person who rejoiced will be Christ’s flowering.

Caryll Houselander

As I wrap up this time I’ve spent in the quiet of my heart

I have discovered the most dominate message God has been speaking to me,

sprinkled from end to end during my (entire) spiritual journey with Him,

has been the urging for me

-no matter the circumstances in my life-

to be a light in the world.

To find my own light through & with him and to share that light with others.

I know we are all called to be His light and that He shares this same message with everyone; but regretfully, I have not done as well as so many of you.

Humbly, I know now that the sorrowful weed growing inside me held me back & prevented my ability to do so,

fully.

Nevertheless, no longer!

With the newly tilled courage I have gained & His light within me I look forward to sharing it with all those willing to see the joy it can bring.

But more importantly,

where it comes from!

“They are things I whisper in your ear – confiding them – as a friend, as a brother, as a father…so that some thought will arise and strike you; and so you will better your life and set out along ways of prayer and of Love.”

Josemaria Escriva’

Care to join me, on The Way?

hugs n’ blessings to all those who will be shining bright beside me,

as He continues to leadeth us down the garden-path!